Classy people do not wear sagging pants. Let’s think for a moment about the sorts of things that go through our minds when we see someone with sagging pants.
- He doesn’t know what belts or suspenders are, and therefore has low IQ,
- The hearts on his boxers aren’t cute,
- The skid marks are even less cute,
- He must be a law abiding citizen, for he could never run away from the law,
- The crack traditionally attributed to plumbers makes me a tad nauseous,
- At least he now has a handy place to keep envelopes.
The development of sagging pants as a fad is puzzling. A friend once told me that it originated in prison. Prisoners who swung the other way would wear their pants low to broadcast their availability. I don’t know whether this is true or not, but it is certainly not the message most would wish to send.
The silliness of sagging pants for me culminated once while I was working for a hotel. A cab arrived transporting two unclassy men. One got out, opened the passenger-side door and held onto the waistline of the other’s pants as he exited the car, to prevent them from falling. He then proceeded to hold the other’s pants up as they walked together, into the hotel.
As an independent classy man of affairs, I can’t imagine being dependent on the loving support of a comrade in order to keep my pants up. Did the supportive man help his friend with his pants everywhere? This brings to mind a few uncomfortable situations, such as going to the bathroom or asking a classy lady out for a drink. “I’m sorry sir, but I won’t go out with you because you haven’t mastered the belt yet.”
It would be remiss of me to spend this much time talking about pants without bringing up how classy suspenders are. I realize that if you decide to wear suspenders you may be accused of copying my style, for after all, I am quite the trend-setter. But never fear, for to be accused of copying my style is actually a very classy thing. So, my classy gents and gent-esses, sag not, and suspender up.