#9 - Bumper Stickers
Classy people do not put stickers on their cars. They recognize that the color of the car is embellishment enough, and anything beyond it is just extra weight. Bumper stickers don’t make the car go faster, and if the car designers had planned on bumper stickers adding to the æsthetic appeal of the car, they would have provided them.
Bumper Stickers are Ugly
Now, one may argue that it is ﬁne to have pride in one’s school, in the person one voted for, in the faith one believes or in the fact that one’s nephew is a 3rd grade honor student. ﬁne, be proud, if you must. But classy people don’t wear their pride on the bumpers of their cars. That’s just embarrassing. Why must the car suffer for man’s pride? Leave the poor car alone instead of tattooing it with such obscenities.
Aside from their inherent ugliness, bumper stickers can actually damage a car. How many of us still see Obama 08 stickers, or Kerry 04 stickers? Why don’t people take them off? Because it’s hard to, and it’s very easy to chip your paint. It takes a combination of a sunny day, hair dryer, extension cord and even a razor to get the suckers off. I challenge even a nimble Cirque du Soleil performer to get them off without chipping paint.
Bumper Sticker Jokes Aren’t Funny
Bumper sticker jokes are always lame. Always. There are no exceptions. Are you really ‘with stupid’? That just makes you stupid. Dœs [defecation] really happen? Of course it dœs, and I don’t need to read your bumper sticker to know this. Why should I honk if I love Big Ernie’s Truck Stop? How is Calvin urinating on [insert anything here] clever? Bumper sticker jokes are boring, overdone and repetitive. I’ve seen the same bumper stickers in Kentucky and Seattle, Victoria and Alabama, California and Las Vegas. Leave your short, pithy jokes to Twitter, where only your friends will be harmed.
No One Cares About Your Politics
O fellow commuter, I don’t care about your politics. One of the best known social rules is that gentlemen do not talk about politics in public or at work — only with close, trusted friends. By talking about politics on your bumper, you are automatically placing yourself in the “unclassy” category. Beyond that, snark is a wholly uncharming characteristic, and 99% of all political bumper stickers are snarky. Your snarky political bumper sticker my get a chortle out of the few people who believe the way you do, but it will neither convert nor impress anyone. You have a good chance of not immediately making enemies when you arrive at work if your bumper is devoid of stickers. The same can’t be said for the alternative.
Bumper Stickers Celebrate Mediocrity
Some unclassy people feel that their bumper stickers are soundings boards to broadcast all the things they think make them special. “Baby on board”. “My special needs child is an honor student”. “I successfully downed the ﬂaming Chili Burger at ﬂaming Al’s Burger Joint”. Pure and utter tack.
Classy people don’t feel the need to talk about themselves unless asked. If you don’t walk up to strangers and say, “I have an honor student!”, then why place it on your bumper? It screams of someone who needs attention. It is also embarrassing because it implies that this is the greatest thing you have achieved in your life to date. The kind of person who boasts of his chili pepper eating abilities is the same kind of person who boasts about the biggest ﬁsh he caught, how much money he makes, how hot his wife is, how big his house is, how important his contacts are and so on.
Do movie stars have bumper stickers that say “I’ve been in movies” or astronauts with stickers that say “I’ve been to space”? Probably not, and those are much more brag-worthy achievements than your grandson placing 5th in a local “talent” competition. If your bumper is still boasting about the ten-pound burger you devoured at Spicy Mel’s Burger Joint ten years go, then this must mean that you don’t have the high paying job, nor are you married to the hot wife (for both of these are better than the ability to down a sandwich). In effect, by boasting about trivialities, you trivialize your whole existence.
Classy people don’t put bumper stickers on their car. They leave their classy bumpers unharmed.
The following are bumper stickers I have taken photos of over the years. I will add to this horrible gallery of unclassyness as the years go on. If you’d like to add your own images to the gallery, send me photos you have taken yourself along with your name to brandon AT oxhorn DOTT com, and I will add photos.
About OxhornI’m an author, songwriter and movie-maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn.com. Visit brandonMdennis.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.
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