#7 — Sweatpants

Juicy and Sweaty don't go together

Classy people don’t wear sweatpants, unless they’re at home, alone. We’ve all seen the corpulent woman strolling around the supermarket wearing what were once pink sweatpants covered in food stains (at least I hope they are food stains) with the words PINK, JUICY or something rather unmentionable etched into the butt. This is unclassy on a number of levels. Let’s break it down a bit.

The Word ‘Sweatpants’

A classy person should stay away from anything that has the word “sweat”. Gentlemen avoid sweating at every opportunity. If I had to jog to find a classy beverage, I’d stay home with a glass of water and be content. If it is hot outside and I can’t help from sweating, I hide the sweat in classy, long clothes. The idea of sweating concentrated around a person’s nether-​quarters just exacerbates my aversion to sweat, for the last thing I want to think of is your pink bottom oozing sweat in your aptly named pants.

The Mentality of Sweatpants

What sort of mind puts on pants thinking, “I want something that makes me look like I don’t care about my appearance in public, and I’ll prove it by not washing my sweaty pants until they get crispy”? I shudder to think. Ladies, a wholesome dress or classy skirt is in order, and maybe, on rare occasions, sporting a pair of classy jeans might suffice. Men, put on your boot-​cuts, cords or slacks. Show the world that you respect them enough to wear something that doesn’t reek of Louisiana swamp water. And eggs.

The Crack of Sweatpants

Probably the worst side effect of seeing a pair of sweats walking about is the inevitable crack that crowns them, like a bizarre robot with a black, greasy antenna. I know that shopping is hard work and can get you sweaty, but hide that sweat with a nice, long shirt. I don’t want to see those droplets running down your crevice, let alone that mat of bristly hair that peeks out. I beg all classy gents and gent-​esses, hide that crack lest someone mistake it for a credit-​card-​swiper and ring up a horrible debt.

I’ll help out my fellow earthlings by obliterating a few myths. Your sweatpants aren’t cute. Words that end in ‘Y’ like DNKY aren’t cute and shouldn’t be inscribed anywhere on your person, especially your butt. Rhinestones, glitter and other shinning things aren’t cute, especially if they are on your posterior. In short, let’s leave the sweatpants, headbands and leg warmers where they belong – in the 80s.


is best known as his alter-ego Oxhorn, author of popular machinima movies. When he's not wearing suspenders with a certain sort of finesse, he's reading, writing, blogging, doing web design, making movies and more often than not enjoying a classy drink with an even classier cigar. Watch his movies at oxhorn.com and feel free to stalk him on Twitter and Facebook.

Posted in Dress & Fashion, How to Be Classy
3 comments on “#7 — Sweatpants
  1. April says:

    I have to say sweatpants have their place. I am a mother of three beautiful but rambunctious boys under three years old. After a long night of tummy troubles, nighmares, and nursings the last thing I am going to do before running to walmart for a gallon of milk and diapers is get dressed. If I did, I would stand out like a sore thumb!

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