#8 - Yard Sculptures

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Classy people don’t put fake marble sculptures in their yard or garden.

The Greeks, as we all know, were the first to define class. When the Romans took over, they sent their boys to Athens to learn how to be classy from the Greeks. Ever since the Greeks, humans have tried to demonstrate their class by being more Grecian.

This is why you drive through residential areas and often see Greek plastic lions, columns and statues strewn about front lawns. The best way to spot an unclassy person is to look for someone trying too hard to be classy. The original Greek statues were actually brightly painted, but do you see painted statues in unclassy people’s lawns? No, they’re always stone white, because it’s not about the art, it’s about trying too hard to be classy.

The worst, I think, is when you see plastic columns standing in a garden holding up the sky; standing at the end of the walkway, right by the front gate waiting to greet you, but performing no supportive function whatsœver. Greeks didn’t do that. Their pillars actually held up domes and facades and so on. Unclassy people don’t care. They just think Corinthian style pillars make them look classy, so they put them in their gardens—effectively making them unclassy.

Garden gnomes are bad enough, but at least you know to expect them in a garden. At least they do their job and scare the gophers (apparently). But a pale naked toddler performing archery? Completely ridiculous and unclassy.

About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.