Classy people don’t put fake marble sculptures in their yard or garden.
The Greeks, as we all know, were the first to define class. When the Romans took over, they sent their boys to Athens to learn how to be classy from the Greeks. Ever since the Greeks, humans have tried to demonstrate their class by being more Grecian.
This is why you drive through residential areas and often see Greek plastic lions, columns and statues strewn about front lawns. The best way to spot an unclassy person is to look for someone trying too hard to be classy. The original Greek statues were actually brightly painted, but do you see painted statues in unclassy people’s lawns? No, they’re always stone white, because it’s not about the art, it’s about trying too hard to be classy.
The worst, I think, is when you see plastic columns standing in a garden holding up the sky; standing at the end of the walkway, right by the front gate waiting to greet you, but performing no supportive function whatsoever. Greeks didn’t do that. Their pillars actually held up domes and facades and so on. Unclassy people don’t care. They just think Corinthian style pillars make them look classy, so they put them in their gardens–effectively making them unclassy.
Garden gnomes are bad enough, but at least you know to expect them in a garden. At least they do their job and scare the gophers (apparently). But a pale naked toddler performing archery? Completely ridiculous and unclassy.
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- I bet they feel really unique by placing these mass produced plaster sculptures in their yards
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- Man, I’m so scared by this guy. He might just shoot me in the heart. Or melt in the rain.
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- How pretentious do you have to be to put lions at the entrance to your driveway?
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- Now this is a statue I like, for anyone familiar with Dr. Who. Maybe if statues start chasing people around, they’ll think twice
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- I bet they were thinking, “This face is so old, antiquated and authentic that no one will know it was made from papier-mâché!”
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- What exactly is this column supporting?
is best known as his alter-ego Oxhorn, author of popular machinima movies. When he's not wearing suspenders with a certain sort of finesse, he's reading, writing, blogging, doing web design, making movies and more often than not enjoying a classy drink with an even classier stogy. Watch his movies at oxhorn.com and feel free to stalk him on Twitter and Facebook.
Garden gnomes are scary.
Haha I see! I didn’t know that about the coloured statues! I actually thought that they were white! Now you’ve made me see the light! Thanks for uncovering the pillar before my sky! ^^