#8 – Yard Sculptures

Classy people don’t put fake marble sculptures in their yard or garden.

The Greeks, as we all know, were the first to define class. When the Romans took over, they sent their boys to Athens to learn how to be classy from the Greeks. Ever since the Greeks, humans have tried to demonstrate their class by being more Grecian.

This is why you drive through residential areas and often see Greek plastic lions, columns and statues strewn about front lawns. The best way to spot an unclassy person is to look for someone trying too hard to be classy. The original Greek statues were actually brightly painted, but do you see painted statues in unclassy people’s lawns? No, they’re always stone white, because it’s not about the art, it’s about trying too hard to be classy.

The worst, I think, is when you see plastic columns standing in a garden holding up the sky; standing at the end of the walkway, right by the front gate waiting to greet you, but performing no supportive function whatsoever. Greeks didn’t do that. Their pillars actually held up domes and facades and so on. Unclassy people don’t care. They just think Corinthian style pillars make them look classy, so they put them in their gardens–effectively making them unclassy.

Garden gnomes are bad enough, but at least you know to expect them in a garden. At least they do their job and scare the gophers (apparently). But a pale naked toddler performing archery? Completely ridiculous and unclassy.


is best known as his alter-ego Oxhorn, author of popular machinima movies. When he's not wearing suspenders with a certain sort of finesse, he's reading, writing, blogging, doing web design, making movies and more often than not enjoying a classy drink with an even classier cigar. Watch his movies at oxhorn.com and feel free to stalk him on Twitter and Facebook.

Posted in How to Be Classy, Taste
4 comments on “#8 – Yard Sculptures
  1. Jessica says:

    Garden gnomes are scary.

  2. Haha I see! I didn’t know that about the coloured statues! I actually thought that they were white! Now you’ve made me see the light! Thanks for uncovering the pillar before my sky! ^^

  3. Walshie says:

    Maybe, with these pieces, people are making a commentary on the consumer-driven, mass-produced, soul-sucking nature of suburbia itself. Just sayin. Coming from Jersey, we have these in spades….along with a lot of Virgin-Mary-on-the-half-shell’s. At Christmastime, Mary usually gets her own string of lights–and to accompany her, a beauuutiful nativity scene from the local Kmart.

  4. ufuct says:


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