Baboon Knuckles

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This is the script for the skit at the end of my movie, Associate Professor Evil Kills All Ninja Looters.

*knock on the door*

APE

Ugh, every time when I’m eating, without fail.

APE answers door

Yes, what do you want?

PC

Hello Mr. Evil, I’m from the university Green board and I’m here to make sure you are complying with university Green regulations.

APE

Oh… well, I was just in the middle of dinner and—

PC

Dinner can wait, Mr. Evil. The planet is more important than you are and we need to make sure that you aren’t killing it.

PC guy lets himself in.

Now, where do you make your poisons.

APE

Er, over there at that table.

PC

Well, let’s see now, the fluid in these beakers is an odd shade of green… are you sure you are using only pure organic ingredients?

APE

Uh, oh yes, absolutely sir, my killing drugs are one hundred percent natural. Would you like to sample them?

PC

Nice try Mr. Evil, but I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m taking a sample of this to the lab to make sure.

APE

Ugh.

PC

And what have we here? Are you warming your room using magical firelight? Don’t you know that magic fire releases toxins into the atmosphere?

APE

What kind of toxins.

PC

Oh, you know… the bad kind of toxins.

APE

What do they do?

PC

Well… they’re toxic.

APE

And that means…

PC

…Erg well it means, Mr. Evil, that you are disobeying university protocol, and I will have to write you up.

APE

Ugh.

PC

Now, let’s see whats in your trash.

APE

You’re going to rummage through my trash?

PC

Oh yes! It is the only way we can make sure you are recycling! Lets see here… *gasp!* Whats this? Real baboon knuckles?

APE

Uh… yeah..

PC

And you just threw them away?

APE

Well yeah, they were all that was left of the baboon, and I have no use for them.

PC

And you didn’t think to recycle them?!

APE

Well what in Azeroth is someone going to do with baboon knuckles.

PC

Anything! Jewelry, ball bearings, baby rattles — you can take anything and reuse it perpetually instead of adding to waste!

APE

Look here, it was my baboon and I can do with it as I please. I drugged the baboon, I experimented on the baboon and I killed the baboon, and if I decide not to recycle its knuckles, well then that’s my own bloitting decision.

PC

No it isn’t! These unrecycled baboon knuckles effect more people than just you! You see, everything in this world is connected, and what you do with your unused baboon knuckles effects us all. Why, if I were to drop these knuckles on the ground, I bet you it would cause a whirlwind in Westfall.

APE

Now listen here you pathetic waste of space, I will not be intimidated into parroting your politically correct ideology. You people are the first to drone on about tolerance, diversity and the freedom to do what you want, but when it comes to your own dogmas and philosophies, you are perfectly willing to impose your will on anyone who dœsn’t believe exactly the way you do.

PC

Lies! We don’t force people to do anything because we don’t believe in violence. We just use the courts and sue them; its perfectly legal.

APE

Tyrants used violence in the past and tyrants use the law today, but that dœsn’t make them any less of a tyrant.

PC

I am not a tyrant! You don’t have the right to offend me! I’m suing you!

APE

Auuuurgh!

PC

Oh… my… it’s Lieutenant Colonel Virtue!

APE

The wages of tyranny is… death!

PC

Ahhh! Be sure to recycle my ashes… ahhhh!

APE

Oh.. Barnaby, what’s happening to me?

*Crab!*

In an effort to root out tyranny, it appears that I have myself become a tyrant.

*Crab!*

Yes, you’re right. I guess tyranny in some form is inevitable in this world. And if someone has to be a tyrant, it might as well be me.… Mwahahaha, mwahahaha, mwahahahahaha!

About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.