Script -- Associate Professor Evil Kills All Gold Farmers

Scene opens with APE sitting in his laboratory with Barnaby. He is grunting and fussing about, and it is obvious that he is quite displeased. Suddenly, he flings his arms to the side and sends the beakers on his table flying.

APE

Drat! What was I thinking! I wasted that infernal potion on you, Barnaby, when I needed it for myself! This key to the city of Orgrimmar is utterly worthless. All it dœs is open the bathrooms!

APE tosses it across the room and Barnaby makes a noise. APE stands up and walks over to another table.

APE

No, what I need is another plan, one that will grant me even more power! Yes, come here Barnaby, look at this.

APE shows Barnaby a map that is on the table. A knife is stuck in the zone Deadwind Pass.

APE

This is Deadwind Pass, and I believe that something of immense power is hidden here.

Barnaby makes a disinterested grunt.

APE

Shush Barnaby, and sit still while I tell you the story.

As APE tells the story, the events are played out in black and white, or sepia tone.

APE

Velinde starsong was once given a mighty weapon called the Scythe of Elune. She used it to fight off the demons, but one day while she was riding through Duskwood, she lost the scythe, and never found it again.

Scene switches back to APE and Barnaby in the lab.

APE

The story might have ended there, Barnaby, but I found this one day.

APE plops a book onto the table and opens it.

APE

It is the journal of a man called Jitters.

Scene merges to another sepia tone flashback.

APE

Apparently, he found the scythe one day while he was digging in a mine. It was the power of this scythe that cursed Duskwood, and the power terrified Jitters so much that he dropped it and fled to a barn. Dark riders appeared a few days later and killed the woman and children on the farm before returning to their place of origin. Deadwind Pass.

Camera gœs back to the map and zooms in on Deadwind Pass.

APE

Here Jitters’ Journal ends, Barnaby, but I have reason to believe that the Dark Riders found the scythe and brought it to Deadwind Pass. But just like the scythe abandoned starsong and then abandoned Jitters, the scythe abandoned the Dark Riders and is now being held by a band of ogres within Deadwind Pass.

APE turns to Barnaby, excitedly.

APE

Can you imagine what we could do with the power of the Scythe of Elune? We must find it. Come, Barnaby, we have work to do.

Scene switches to a montage of APE and Barnaby riding to Deadwind Pass on gryphons and then riding through on felsteeds. Upon arriving, APE dismounts. He stands in Deadwind Pass and looks about.

APE

Yes, the Scythe of Elune is here, I can feel it.

Camera pans to all the gold farmers taking up every spawn point.

APE

Now, if only we can find an open spot… ah! There’s one. Ah-​ha, an ogre, just what we wanted.

APE begins to cast a spell.

APE

From the depths of all that is dark and nasty,
from the bowels of that which is malicious and murky,
I summon forth a spell of pure tomfoolery,
to kill this creature that holds my Scythe of Elune!

Just then, a bunch of gold farmers run up going “rubba-​rubba-​rubba” or something and kill the monster before APE can cast his spell.

APE

Gah! No! He was mine. I was here first!

The gold farmers turn to him, stare at him blankly and then run off.

APE

Curses! Now I have to sit here and wait for a respawn.

APE builds a campfire.

APE

Hey Barnaby, do you want any smores? No? Ok then, more for me.

The monster respawns.

APE

Ah-​hah! There he is!

APE looks to the left. He sees no one. He looks to the right. He sees no one. He looks forward and laughs.

APE

Mwahaha, you’re mine now!

APE begins to cast his spell again.

APE

From the depths of all that is dark and murky,
from the bowels of—

Just then, the gold farmers arrive again and steal his spawn.

APE

ARG! Where did you come from! I was here first, get out of my spawn!

The two gold farmers turn to each other. Camera gets closer and they begin to talk. Their speech is unintelligible, but there are English subtitles.

Chinese Gold Farmer 01

What is this guy’s problem?

CGF02

I think he is mad at us for stealing his ogre.

APE walks closer. Camera zooms to his face.

APE

Look guys, all I need is the Scythe of Elune and then I’ll be on my way. Could you please just go somewhere else to do your farming until I get my item?

CGF01

What did he say?

CGF02

I don’t know. I’m playing on a U.S. server but I never bothered to learn English.

CGF01

Haha, me neither.

APE

Hey, stop ignoring me, I’m trying to be reasonable.

CGF01

Hey man, that crown looks great on you.

CGF02

Really? I thought it might be a little flashy.

CGF01

No way, it compliments your skin tone and brings out the color of your eyes.

CGF02

Awww, I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!

APE

That’s it! I’m sick of you gold farmers infesting our servers and inflating our prices! You get in the way of our ability to complete quests by killing NPCs and camping spawns. You sell items on the auction house for outrageous prices, ruining our economy. You make it harder to farm our own gold so that we are forced to buy it from your filthy websites. But worst of all, you take the fantasy out of a fantasy game by turning it into a bloiting sweat-​shop!

CGF01

Lol, this guy is starting to sound like Mark Jacobs.

CGF02

Haha, yeah, Mark Jacobs sucks.

APE punches CGF02 and knocks him to the ground.

CGF01

Dude, violence is so not cool.

The Scythe of Elune falls from CGF02 and hits the ground.

APE

Ah! He had the Scythe! Quick! Barnaby! Fetch it for me!

Barnaby runs forward, grabs the Scythe and gives it to APE.

APE

Mwahahaha, now Barnaby, kill, kill all the gold farmers in Deadwind Pass! I empower you with the magic of the Scythe of Elune!

APE

APE strikes Barnaby with the Scythe. Lightning cracks, the screen shakes, and the Scythe shatters. Barnaby grows immense again.

APE

Now Barnaby, my beloved pet, let us rid the world of gold farmers!

Big battle scene with Barnaby and APE running around killing gold farmers. APE uses ElfOn and Barnaby just eats them all. At the end, Barnaby and APE stand back and gaze at their handiwork.

APE

Ah, so beautiful. It just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, dœsn’t it Barnaby.

Barnaby makes a noise and shrinks back to his original size.

APE

Oh, drat! I wasted the Scythe of Elune! *sigh* Oh well, I used its power wisely, so I guess I can’t feel too bad. Back to the drawing board, Barnaby! We must come up with another plan.

APE and Barnaby walk off into the distance.

APE

I’m hungry. Want to get some lunch? (Barnaby gurgles) Oh, right, I guess you did just eat. Oh well, you can watch me have lunch. I think I want some turkey. Let’s give Thunk a call.

END

About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.