Script - Hat’s Practice

HAT

Thanks for coming you guys. It’s good to get some friendly criticism.

OX

No sweat Hat! I wish you all the best on Orgrimmar Idol.

MORT

You’ll pwn that contest n00b.

HAT

Hey, where’s stag?

OX

He’s still taking a shower. That rank he’s built up over the years dœsn’t come out easy. But come on man, we’re here to listen to you sing — show us what you’ve got!

HAT

Ok, this first selection is from Gilbert & Sullivan’s, the Ruddigore. Ahem:

If I’d been so very lucky as to have a steady brother

who could talk to me as we are talking now to one another

who could give me good advice when he discovered I was erring

which is just the very favor which on you I am conferring

my existence would’ve made a rather interesting idyll

and I might have lived and died a very decent interwiddle

This particularly rapid unintelligible patter

isn’t generally heard and if it is and it dœsn’t matter.

OX

Are you serious? That was awful!

HAT

Wh-​what?

MORT

Yeah d00d you sounded like a canary choking on a gecko.

HAT

But that’s Gilbert & Sullivan! Surely the judges will recognize their brilliance?

OX

Sorry man, but it just sucks. Maybe try something that dœsn’t send you into epileptic fits afterwards.

HAT

Um… ok, well, how about this:

Why dœs my heart cry? Feelings I can’t fight… you’re free to leave me, but just don’t deceive me, and please believe me when I say I love you! Roxane!

OX

Oh, that was so moving.

MORT

Yeah, it brings back memories

HAT

Ah, thanks!

MORT

Memories of constipation.

HAT

What?

OX

Constipation, that’s it, I was trying to remember what it reminded me of. Guess I should have said it was not moving, heh.

HAT

But that was from Roxanne! Ewan McGregor and sting, man, how can you hate that?

OX

Look, this is Orgrimamr Idol. You need something catchy, something that demands attention and respect. Pull out the big guns!

MORT

Or do us a favor and not show up at all, lol.

HAT

Big guns, eh? All right, guess I could go with an old stand-​by. How’s this:

Will not someone show compassion,

ere I hang in such a fashion

Will this once I let it go

just reply, say yes or no

just reply, say yes or no!

MORT

Noooo.

OX

I agree, nooooo.

HAT

Wait, I haven’t finished yet.

OX

Dœsn’t matter, it’s already terrible.

Mort

Yeah, sounds like the noises Lacy made while giving birth.

OX

Wow, that conjures a really horrible image Mort.

MORT

Sorry.

OX

But yeah, I know what you mean. It sounds as bad as the noise made by a man getting a root canal, getting a colonoscopy, and suffering from an ingrown tœnail, all at the same time.

HAT

But that’s Mozart!

OX

Yeah, well Mozart should stay dead.

HAT

GASP! No one insults Mozart! Have at you!

OX

Ahh! Let go of my tail! No, not there, that’s a sensitive area!

MORT

FTL! FTL! Owz0rz, omg! Ow ow ow!

HAT

Next time you’ll think twice about insulting Mozart! Good-​day!

Ox

moaning

Uh, we need to get him a muzzle

Mort

moans

About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.