Script — Inventing Swear Words 3

Inventing Swear Words 3
By Brandon M. Dennis
November, 2006 – July, 2007

Scene 01

Black screen with simple text, narrated by me: “And now, the continuation of, Inventing Swear Words!” At this there is a big title screen with a lot of overdone fanfare. “We find our heroes somewhere in the Tanaris Desert…”

Scene opens to a wide shot of the Tanaris desert with Staghorn, Oxhorn and Mortuus walking west. Everything is black except the sky, and you see the character’s outline as they walk. Mortuus is singing a song very badly, testing Staghorn’s patience.

Mortuus

“O, stay away from those crooked elves, they look like women and they smell like hell–”

Staghorn

Be’eth quiet Mortuus, you knoweth you can’t sing.

Mort

But I’m bored d00d, keke.

Pause.

Mort

“There aint no creature in the land or sea quite as dear to me as the great kodo!”

Stag

Gah, stop singing, forsooth! You doth gratting stink!

Oxhorn

I dunno, I think it lightens the mood.

Stag

Well then…sing something else!

Pause.

Mort

“Is a long way, to Tipperary–”

Stag

NOT that. Ok, I goeth home.

Ox

Don’t leave, we’re already here.

Stag

What the flak dost thou meaneth? This is a bloitting desert!

Ox

No, turn around.

Stag grunts and turn around.

Stag

Oh. But this doth be a crater.

Ox

That’s right, it’s the Un’Goro Crater. This is where we will find the Master of Euphemisms.

Mort

The master of wha, n00b?

Ox

The Master of Euphemisms? The reason we are out here to begin with?

Camera switches to Mort who stares blankly.

Ox

You know, we’re trying to get more blits to use our swear words, so we’re going to ask the Master of Euphemisms for help?

Camera switches to Mort, who continues to stare blankly. Oxhorn faces the crater and grumbles.

Ox

Bah, let’s just jump already. You both brought your Parachute Cloaks, right?

Stag

Waiteth a gratting minute! What dost thou mean jump? There doth be a perfectly good trail right over there!

Staghorn points and the camera switches to the trail that leads down from Tanaris to the Un’Goro Crater.

Ox

Yeah, but this is faster.

Stag

It’s also dumb. If we take the trail, we’ll be perfectly safe. If we jump, we could hurteth ourselves.

Mort

Lol n00b, u r scaredy pants.

Mort jumps and camera watches him as he floats away, saying, “lolololololol-roflmao!”

Ox

There, see? It’s perfectly safe.

Oxhorn jumps and goes “Weee!” as he flies away. Camera switches to Staghorn who starts muttering and then jumps off himself.

Scene 02

Scene switches to the ground. Mortuus lands perfectly. Oxhorn lands perfectly. Staghorn slams into the ground, and his ghost appears beside his body.

Stag

See? What did I tell you.

Ox

You were supposed to use your Parachute Cloak!

Stag

Yeah, well I knoweth not how to useth it.

Mort

Lol u r died, r0x0rz box0rz!

Stag

Could someone just rezeth me please?

Ox

Yeah, yeah, keep your chakkin’ shirt on.

Oxhorn then begins to cast his spell. It is really long-winded.

I summon the fuzzy creatures that bringeth the light,
I summon the fancy spells that fizzle all night,
Let nature come hence and heal thy wounds,
And resurrect my friend who is an utter n00b!

The spell is cast, Staghorn solidifies, and his corpse disappears.

Stag

That didst seem a little unnecessary.

Ox

Meh, I was having fun.

All of a sudden, the place begins to rumble and the camera shakes.

Stag

What in the grat…

Ox

Oh no… Staghorn, what level are you?

Stag

I doth be level 33. I wouldeth have been higher, but I enjoy spendingeth me time in robes, RP’ing with me fellow members of Reluctance.

Ox

Gah! 33? You’re going to agro every monster in this zone!

Mort

N00b.

Camera changes to be in front of them, all three face the camera.

Ox

Here they come!

Scene switches to a bunch of dinosaurs charging and shrieking. Then it switches back to the three friends screaming with their weapons drawn. Then back and forth until finally they reach each other and the battle commences. Oxhorn and Mortuus fly around killing dinosaurs, Oxhorn in his druid form, Mort with his daggers, and Staghorn just dodges and evades. After the battle is over, Ox and Mort stand amongst the myriad of corpses.

Ox

Whew, nice work there Mort, we kicked some bloitting flak.

Mort

Lol we pwned those chakkin n00bs, we wolshed their flak hard ftw!

Oxhorn turns around.

Ox

Staghorn?

Staghorn stands as a ghost next to his body.

Stag

I hope ye doth haveth some seeds left. And no fancy spells this time, just cast the bloitting thing.

Camera switches to Oxhorn who sighs and casts the spell.

Scene 03

Scene transition. The three friends are wandering through the jungle of the Un’Goro Crater.

Stag

So earlier, when you didst say that we were here, you didn’t say we’d have to hiketh for fifty miles through this gratting forest.

Ox

Be patient you blit, we’re almost there.

Mort

There’s slime in my shoes, ftl.

The three arrive at the entrance to a cave.

Ox

Ah, this is it. You can tell by the gaping cave that brings with it an aura of mystery and the certain feeling of uncertainty, which gives the audience some needed anticipation for what might happen next.

Stag

Yes Oxhorn, very clever.

Oxhorn clears his throat and speaks in an invoking voice.

Ox

O, great Master of Euphemisms! We three weary travelers have come to seek your wisdom. Will you have an audience with us?

From the shadows comes a shape. It is an elf dressed in the gayest thing you can imagine. Make it really gay. Anyways, he steps out of the shadows and the three friends gasp.

Stag

No…

Ox

It can’t be…

Mort

It’s a bloitting elf d00dz!

The Master of Euphemisms begins to speak in a high pitched voice.

Master of Euphemisms

I am the great and powerful Master of Euphemisms! I eat hummus and hug trees! Come into my cave and spend some alone time with me.

Ox

It’s an elf! Kill it!

The three friends ready their weapons and screech about how horrible the thing is.

MoE

Wait! Before you strike, hear me out. Do you mean to say that you would strike me down, just because I’m an elf?

The three friends stand and look around at each other, then turn and say, “yeah, yep, you got it” etc.

MoE

So you’re saying that before hearing a word that I have to say, even if I was kind and spoke great wisdom, you would do away with me, just because I am purple and have pointy ears?

Again, the three friends pause, look around, and then breakout with a chorus of “yeah, uh-huh, that’s right” etc.

The Master of Euphemisms begins to shake and tremble. There is smoke and sound effects and then he pops into his true form—he is a troll, and he speaks in his new troll accent.

MoE

Congratulations, you passed the test. Come, enter forthwith.

The Master of Euphemisms turns and enters. The friends look at each other, sheath their weapons and enter also, while saying things like, “Whew! I was so scared for a minute there. So was I. Boy that sure is a relief. I’m so relieved!” and so forth.

Scene 04

The three friends are sitting around a campfire with the Master of Euphemisms, within the cave.

MoE

So, my friends, what brings you all the way to the Un’Goro Crater?

Ox

Well sir, we have this problem. You see, try though we may, we aren’t allowed to swear.

MoE

Really? You mean I can’t say ****?

Ox

Nope, see, you got beeped.

MoE

Hmmm. Well, I suppose we could always change the chat filter settings—

At this, the three friends bust out with a slew of “Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!” and “We don’t talk about that” and “That would defeat the purpose of these videos” and so forth.

Ox

Anyhow, so we decided to make up our own swear words, and we are trying to get other people to use them.

MoE

Oh? And what are these swear words?

The three friends alternate saying, “Wolsh, Chak, Flak, Grat, Blit and Bloit”.

MoE

Nice, I like these words. They are short, they roll off the tongue, and they carry a harshness that all good swear words should. But I think I see where the problem lies. None of your words are euphemisms.

Mort

Eupha-wa? Lol I can’t understand a single bloitting word this blit says, roffle-woffle omg!

MoE

Surely you know what a euphemism is?

Stag

Nay, thou goodest sir, pleaseth explain.

Master of Euphemisms stares at Stag for a moment and then turns to Oxhorn.

MoE

Why does he talk like that?

Ox

He’s trying to RP… just go with it.

MoE

Mmmkay… well, all of your invented swear words actually mean something. For instance, can you tell me what does bloit means?

Mort

That’s easy n00b, it means ***, u hax-monkey.

MoE

And can you tell me what grat means?

Stag

Aye my good sir, it doth mean the **** that cometh out of ones ******.

MoE

Exactly. Your invented swear words are euphamisms because they stand in for the crass ones. But euphamisms don’t have to be purely jibberish. They could be whole phrases that say one thing but mean something else.

Ox

So what should we do?

MoE

Well, I’ll tell you what you should do:

The Master of Euphemisms breaks into a song. The visuals will be like a classroom, maybe, with him writing on a chalkboard, or perhaps there are actual actions that depict what he is saying. At any rate, here is the song he sings.

♫When you want to curse and swear
Don’t despair
Use some flair
Be creative with your words
And enjoy the whole affair

♫If, for example, you wished to say
“**** that ***** in her **** ****
Say something else that’s much superior, like
“Dandle that strumpet in her wide posterior.”♫

Mort

♫Oh, I see! ♫

Stag

♫It makes sense! ♫

Ox

♫He said dandle instead of ****♫

Mort

♫And then strumpet instead of *****♫

Stag

♫And instead of saying ***, he said posterior! ♫

MoE

The song here slows down and becomes almost chant-like. You could even have the three friends swaying back and forth, humming along with the Master of Euphemisms. This is the cap-stone song, in which all the words are used, with a few euphemisms thrown in.

♫They all be bloitting blits
who don’t have any gratting wits
who curse all day and night
saying flak this man and chak this guy
and wolsh that flakker’s gratting eye .

Heed my words my three new friends;
Use some clever euphemisms.
Now pardon me, I must here leave
To “drain my chalice” against a tree!♫

The Master of Euphemisms leaves the cave. The three friends stand and wave at him saying, “Good-bye, Thanks so much, We appreciate your help” and so forth.

Stag

What a nice guy.

Ox

Yeah, I think his advice will help. So, what are you two doing for the rest of the day?

Mort

I’ve got a hot date with Lacy d00dz.

Stag and Ox glance at each other uncomfortably and make little grunts.

Ox

Well, good luck with that.

Stag

So Mort, havest you two… you know… “christened the bedchamber textiles” yet?

Mort

Nah d00d, I really like her. I want to treat her right.

Ox

Ah, sounds like things are getting serious.

Mort

Yeah. D00dz I…I’m thinking of… proposing.

Stag and Ox exclaim at the same time, “What?”

Mort

I just really enjoy being with her. I can’t see myself with anyone else.

Stag

But she’s… hideous!

Ox

Yeah, she so… well, let’s just say that she looks like she was tied to the bumper of the ugly truck with the ugly rope and then dragged down ugly street for fifty ugly miles.

Mort

But she a Tauren, like you. How can you think she’s ugly?

Stag

It’s not that she’s a Tauren. I like Tauren women. It’s just that she’s… well, her.

Mort

Stfu d00dz, I… I think I love her. I was going to ask you to help me propose to her tonight, but if you’re going to be so mean, then you can forget it, filthy n00b-cakes.

Mort walks off in a huff.

Ox

Ouch. I think we might have upset him.

Stag

Was it something we said?

Ox

I dunno Stag. But I think we need to make it up to him. Come, follow me, let’s find Hat. I have an idea.

Fade out.

Scene 05

Scene opens with Lacy and Mort on the beach as the sun sets.

Lacy

I’m having a wonderful time, Morty-poo.

Mort

Me too d00d. Hey… there’s something I want to ask you…

Suddenly Mort hears singing coming from the bushes. It is Stag, Hat and Ox going, “Oooo” and snapping their fingers, swaying back and forth. Mort smiles and then turns to Lacy and sings to her.

♫All my life I’ve pwn’ed those n00bs
and been happy all alone,
But then I saw your massive hooves ,
And knew that you were the one.

I’m asking you, with your tail so wide,
My charming, sweet and dear Lacy,
If you would be my lovely bride,
And forever pwn those n00bs with me! ♫

Lacy

Oh Morty… Morty, I do!

Mort and Lacy kiss, and Ox and Stag applaud from the grass behind them, cheering, “Yay! Way to go! Thattah boy Mort!” and whistling. Camera zooms in on them.

Ox

Awww, isn’t that beautiful.

Stag

Not really.

Ox

Soon we’ll be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet.

Stag

Little hooves, you mean.

Ox

Heh, yeah. They’ll have little… half-dead-half-cow babies.

Stag

Yeah, we could call em… dead-cowbies.

Ox

Hehe, that’s great, we’ll have to remember that.

Hat

So when will the wedding be? I want to sing at the reception.

Ox

I’m not sure, but that will probably be in another episode. Let’s just serenade them as the sun sets.

Ox and Stag continue with their song, and they throw in “dead-cowbies” and other words that make fun of them, as the camera pans to Mort and Lacy kissing and then goes to the sunset. The song ends and the camera fades out. Credits roll, and it will be bloopers again.

FIN

About

is best known as his alter-ego Oxhorn, author of popular machinima movies. When he's not wearing suspenders with a certain sort of finesse, he's reading, writing, blogging, doing web design, making movies and more often than not enjoying a classy drink with an even classier cigar. Watch his movies at oxhorn.com and feel free to stalk him on Twitter and Facebook.

Posted in Scripts & Lyrics
6 comments on “Script — Inventing Swear Words 3
  1. Anonymous says:

    roflmao, down right brilliant
    keep wolshing those flaks lol

  2. Anonymous says:

    Indeed….tho art brilliant, but whyst it that thy RPing compainion must alwayst get thee death?

  3. TheArneDude says:

    Great, d00d! I love our vids!!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Wow that was great but i think you should put more down but still good. ^.^

  5. Anonymous says:

    Hey Oxhorn, great video man i have watched it many times cant wait for ISW5.

  6. Anonymous says:

    how is the song named which can be heard while the sun is setting in the end?

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