Script - Inventing Swear Words 5

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Scene 01

Setting: Darkshore, northern Kalimdor. Ox, stag and Mort are standing on a dock. Scene is gloomy, kind of spooky.

stAG

Why didst ye pick such a remote place to meet-​eth?

OX

I’ll get to that in a moment. I wanted to talk to you guys because I feel like we’ve been neglecting something.

MORT

Ya, stags been neglecting to bathe, ftl!

stAG

(huffily)

Well, you doth be neglecting to learn-​eth English!

OX

No, that’s not what I mean.

stAG

Oh, so ye have neglected to treat-​eth thy bed sores too? Aye. They canst be painful. I use-​eth a cool gel made from kodo drool and tallstrider egg-​yokes. I just massage it into the wound and—

OX

No, no, I mean we’ve been neglecting our invented swear words!

MORT

What were our invented swear words again n00b?

MORT faces the camera.

MORT

(slowly and hammy)

Because I need a reminder.

OX

Uh, sure, you remember, Bloit, Blit, Chak, flak, Grat and Wolsh.

MORT

Ah, thanks, now I’m up to speed.

OX

(whispering)

Dude, stop breaking the fourth wall!

MORT

(whispering and quickly)

Ok, sorry.

OX

Anyhow, after all we’ve done, they just haven’t caught on with the bloiting public. I mean sure, Mort got married and all, but that hasn’t really furthered our cause.

stAG

Where doth be Lacy, anyway?

MORT

Shes at home with the kids.

stAG

You mean… your dead-​cowbies?

Scene flashes to Lacy with her dead-​cowbies.

LACY

Leave your brother alone! You know his horns are about to fall off. Now pay attention. Today I’m going to teach you how to pick maggots out of your hooves.

Scene switches back to the docks. There is a pause, then both Tauren shudder.

OX

Right, well, look, I think it’s time we finished this whole swear-​words thing. I have a plan that is so brilliant you could use it to read at night.

stAG

Do go on.

OX

Why thank you, I will.

As Ox talks further, scene switches to foreshadowing, like you did with APE and his Dark Temple blurb.

OX

Far away, deep in the Northern Sea, lies an island with a castle. This is Blizzard Entertainment’s Headquarters. Inside the castle is the Chat filter, filled with all the words people use in-​game. All we have to do is find the most common swear words in the book, and replace the censor with our invented swear words. Then, whenever someone swears, our words will come out instead!

stAG

Brilliant!

OX

Thank you.

MORT

Pretty smart.

OX

Well, I do my best.

MORT

So how we gonna get there n00b?

stAG

Can’t ye just summon thy three dragon friends again?

MORT

No.

stAG

Well why not? It would-​eth sure save-​eth us time and—

MORT

No.

OX

Mort’s right, if we just appear there in the next scene after a fast dragon ride, it looks too convenient. The audience won’t feel like we’ve earned it.

Pause.

stAG

Whatever. Eth.

OX

Besides, I’ve heard rumor that there’s a boat that can ferry traveler’s to the island. It is said that every day it arrives right here at noon.

stAG

Well, what time doth it be now?

OX

It… just so happens that it’s noon.

stAG

All right, now tell-​eth me how that LESS convenient than summoning dragons.

OX

Shh, now look out to sea.

The trio look out to sea. There is a fog on the sea. Slowly we see the front of a boat emerge with someone standing it.

OX

Look, the rumor is true!

stAG

(patronizing)

What a shocker.

The mist fully clears and we see the Master of Euphemisms.

Mœ

Hello friends. Ye be needin’ a ride to Blizzard Headquarters?

OX

Hey, it’s the Master of Euphemisms!

Mœ

Oh, hey all. Haven’t seen you in a while.

MORT

What U doing way out here?

Mœ

Well, that’s kinda personal. I’d… rather not say.

OX

Come on, you’re the Master of Euphemisms. Surely you can tell us in a round-​about way.

Mœ

Well…so I met this filly who made my champion peppy. She was keen and her approach was navigable, but when I failed to rise and shine, she left me for some red-​blooded crackerjack. So I took this job to pass the time.

Pause.

Ox

(turning to stag)

Wow. I regret ever asking.

stag

(turning to Ox)

I regret ever hearing.

Mœ

So, can I take you guys north?

OX

Sure thing, and with as few words as possible, please.

The three board the boat and the Mœ shoves off.

Scene 02

During this scene, the boat filled with our herœs sails north, past… well if you have it in Icecrown, then past nothing, if in Duskwood, past the rest of the continent and then past Northrend.

stAG

Wow-​eth, I feel like I’m in one of those pirate movies where the herœs doth sail on accompanied by some low, minor-​key sea-​shanty.

stAG

Yo, ho. Yo, ho. Hey-​o, howdy-​ho.

OX

Yeah, you totally can’t sing.

MORT

Lol omg you failz0rz IRL!

stAG

Giveth me a break, it doth be hard to sing in this helmet.

Mœ

I know a good sea-​shanty.

OX

Really? How dœs it go?

Mœ starts to sing and Mort and Ox (maybe stag) join in as they sail on. As they sail further out to sea, the sky fades to black, or some sort of Matrix-​esque background… no, black I think I like better. And then the sea fades out into a neon green or blue grid. An island appears in the distance, and on it is the castle. Make sure there is a sign there that says “Blizzard Headquarters” clearly. So the characters arrive just as the song ends.

SONG: Write a sea-​shanty with the Mœ contributing the primary verse, and with OX and MORT chanting the chorus. MAYBE there is a low, bass humming by both characters as Mœ sings.

Scene 03

The three characters hop out of the boat.

OX

Thanks for the lift, Master of Euphemisms.

Mœ

Want me to come?

OX

Uh… well… it’s just that—

Mœ

Oh, I see. Three’s company, but four’s a crowd, right?

OX

Yeah, besides, finding dialog for multiple characters is pretty tiring.

stAG

Tell me about it.

Mœ

Ok. I’ll just sit here and mind the boat then.

OX

All right, well, thanks again!

The three wave and walk towards the castle wall.

stAG

Wow-​eth, this thing is huge!

MORT

Omg how R we get in d00dz?

OX

Dunno. I doubt they’ll let us in if we just knock on the door and say, “Hey Blizzard, we’re here to put graffiti in your Chat filter book.”

Mœ

(from behind them and quietly)

You could try climbing through that ventilation shaft over there, which is conveniently positioned low to the ground for easy access.

OX

Oh. Thanks man.

Mœ

You’re welcome. And don’t worry, I’ll stay out of the story now. Just sittin’ here minding the boat.

stAG

(as he is speaking, Mort is crawling into the vent)

Nice, an easily accessible vent that happens to go right into the castle. What were you saying earlier about things being too convenient?

OX

Just… get in there.

Ox kicks stAG who gets thrown into the vent. As he climbs up, the vent engorges and screws and stuff pop out. Ox follows suit. When they are all gone we see a front view of the vent and hear Mœ’s voice in the background.

Mœ

Yup, don’t mind me. Just sittin’ here miiindin’ the boat.

Scene 04

The three herœs are now inside the vent. They are grunting and wheezing as they move along. Perspective switches to Oxhorn looking up at stag.

OX

Ugh, stag, come on, do you ever change your gratting armor? I’m smelling something seriously rancid.

stAG

That doth be the scent of a healthy Tauren!

OX

Ugh, smells like curdled milk mixed with… three-​week old cottage cheese.

Scene switches to room interior. The vent is at the top of the room, clearly visible, and it gœs from the left corner to the right corner. There is a table in the middle of the room with men sitting around it.

LEADER MAN

Ok, so here’s my idea for the next hero class. We’ll call it “Lightning Templar”. They have one-​million HP and can shoot lightning bolts out of their eyes. They can summon giant storm clouds that instantly kill an enemy, with a cool down of five seconds. They get a free epic flying storm cloud mount at level 70, and can teleport to anyplace in the world with their super-​sonic thunderclap ability. They have five stuns, all on different cooldowns, are immune to fear, polymorph, disease and stun, and have an ablative spell that causes anyone who touches them in battle to be electrocuted to death. That sounds balanced, dœsn’t it fellahs?

The group in the room cheers and claps and lavishes praises on him. As they cheer, the three herœs flit past through the vent. When the Tauren come by, the vent engorges.

Scene switches to another room which has the vent exit. The three of them fall down from the vent and land on the floor.

OX

Whew, thank God that’s over.

The three peer from behind the corner.

OX

Ok, so where are we.

MORT

Look d00dz! I see the book over there, zomg!

Camera shows a first person perspective of the book lying on a podium in an adjacent room with a light beam on it.

stAG

But how in the flak will we sneak-​eth past those employees?

stag says this while the camera focuses on the book. Camera pans as he is talking to a group of employees chatting with each other by a water-​cooler. Scene switches back to the shot of the three peering from behind the corner.

OX

Quick, adopt your disguises!

The three retract and you hear some scuffling and so forth. Camera then switches to the reverse shot — we see two corners, the one the herœs had been hiding behind and the one they are going to. Between them is the open area with the water cooler and the men chatting. Ox, stag and Mort are underneath cardboard boxes to the left. They stand up, and you see their feet sticking out from under the boxes. They walk across to the other side. When one of the men turns around quickly, the herœs stop, hunker down and pretend they are boxes. The guy turns back around and the herœs continue. This happens maybe once more, until they reach the other side. Very MGS-​esque.

Camera switches to a waist-high shot of the herœs standing up and discarding their boxes.

OX

Whew, good thing we were able to fit those boxes in our pockets. Now where’s that Chat filter?

stAG

There it doth be!

Camera switches to the book on the podium with the light shining down on it. The three herœs surround it and ooo and ahhh.

stAG

(reverently)

Canst ye believe, that this chat filter contains every word ever spoken by gamers?

MORT

And every word invented by gamers, l33t hax, ftw!

Just then a GM stands at the doorway. We hear the MGS sound effect when Snake is caught, and an exclamation point appears over his head.

OX

Oh no, we’re caught! Mort, quick, change the filter while stag and I stall them!

stag and Ox walk off. We hear Ox trying to sweet talk the GM while Mort looks at the book.

MORT

OK, expletives, expletives. Ah!

Camera shows the book with censored expletives and *** for their filter result. Mort gœs down the list, inserting the invented swear words and saying “pwnt!” after each one. Camera switches back to Mort’s face.

MORT

There. All done, XD.

He pauses for a moment and looks at Ox. He is still talking with the GM. He turns back to the book.

MORT

Ok, conjunctions, conjunctions. Ah!

Camera switches to the book which lists all conjunctions that equal themselves. Mort takes his pen, crosses out “and” as the equal for “and” and inserts “roflmao!” while saying “roflmao!”. He roflmaos to himself while turning towards his friends and walking to them.

OX and stAG are talking with the GM.

OX

And that, sir, is everything I think you have done wrong with the latest expansion. Now that you know my opinion, I am sure that all of Blizzard Entertainment will bow to my wishes and change the game based upon my suggestions.

GM

(tired)

Look, I don’t know how you guys got in here, but I’m sorry, I have to teleport you back to Kalimdor.

stAG

Wait! I dost haveth a serious complaint!

GM

(sighs)

And what is it?

stAG

Every other class is more powerful than me! I think that Warriors are too weak.

GM

(irritated, incredulous)

What…

stAG

I demand that you nerf everyone but me!

GM zaps stag and he vanishes.

OX

Oh, me too! All other classes besides the Druid are overpowered! Why just yesterday I actually died in PvP. Me! I’m not supposed to die! This proves that the classes are unbalanced!

GM zaps Ox and he vanishes. GM turns to Mort.

GM

And you?

Mort pauses for a moment and draws his swords. He runs up to the GM and starts trying to attack him, but dœs no damage.

MORT

Roffle-waffle, pwnt! Pwnt! Pwnt! Pwnt!

GM sighs and zaps Mort. We see the Spore teleport. Fade to white, and when we fade back in we are in Mulgore, by the rock. We hear a sort of tinny, other-​worldly yell or scream before each character appears. Then each character appears with a pop, a few feet above the ground, and falls into place beside each other.

OX

Whew, we’re back. Mort! Did you change the chat filter?

MORT

Yep, I’m ubar ubar l33t!

stAG

How do we test it to make sure it worked?

OX

Well, we need to find some place that is filled with people who lack so much self-​control and decency that they spout a steady stream of crass profanity in every-​day conversation.

There is a slight pause.

ALL

Orgrimmar!

Scene switches swiftly to Orgrimmar — do an Edgar Wright transition. The three walk into the center of town, maybe standing on top of that hut, or hanging outside the auction house.

OX

Ok, now pay attention guys, listen carefully.

Camera passes between people having conversations. We hear them saying our invented swear words instead of their own crass profanity. Maybe throw in roflmao for “and”. Camera switches back to our herœs.

stAG

I think… it worked!

OX

All right! After all these years, we have succeeded!

ALL

Cheering, yahoo, all right, wee! And clapping.

Pause.

stAG

So what now?

MORT

I’m going home to Lacy, woot!

stAG

I guess I’ll go wash my armor.

OX

And I’ll ride off into the sunset, or do something equally dramatic and picturesque. And now, gentlemen…heroic pose!

ALL

Hiya!

All three leap into the air striking a heroic pose, like the end of MMMGU. Then transition to the next piece, while music carries on.

Have a sort of “ending it all” credits sequence set to music, with the names of the characters, and a brief snippet of what they are doing in their daily situation. Mort gœs home to Lacy and plays with the dead-​cowbies. stag jumps into the drink with a big long brush and bathes himself. And Ox jumps on Busco and rides off into the sunset, perching on a bluff overlooking a pretty sunset or the sea or something, where the film fades out and the credits roll.

CREDITS

End — Mœ rows by in his boat humming the song.

About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.