Script - Mister Evil Runs for Office

NARRATOR

Mister Evil wants to be dean of the Evil Alchemist University. But is he evil enough? Let’s look at the facts.

Mister Evil, then an associate professor, was responsible for killing beggars in Orgrimmar, bringing shame to the entire university.

He followed up this act by killing all the gold-​farmers in Deadwind Pass, only to surpass even this by killing ninja-​looters the very next year.

Are these truly evil acts? Didn’t they make the world a better place? Mister Evil claims that these were mere accidents. But how can we believe him? Is this the sort of evil we want from our dean?

Don’t be fooled. Mister Evil pretends to be truly evil, but the facts speak differently:

Switch to TV interview. Mister Evil stands at a press conference.

APE

I want to assure the public that I am, truly, evil. I recycle every day. I eat vegan meals and ride a hybrid kodo.

*hybrid kodo*

I embrace political correctness and snuff out any opposing thought on-​campus. When my students speak of fiscal responsibility, I flog them with a tire-​iron. Ladies and gentleman, I am your man.

REPORTER

Excuse me, sir, sir, Mister Evil, it is rumored that in your spare time you roam around the world in disguise, calling yourself Lieutenant Colonel Virtue, killing all annoying players. Dœsn’t this conflict with your claim of being pure evil?

APE

Oh, I assure you that this “Lieutenant Colonel Virtue” is a hoax, a fiction, a lie conjured up by my opponent to discredit me. It is simply a smear campaign.

NARR

Is it? Lieutenant Colonel Virtue was recently caught on film, killing Body Domain Advertisers in front of the Orgrimmar Auction House.

A hoax? A lie? You be the judge.

REPORTER

Sir, it is clear that you are really Lieutenant Colonel Virtue. I mean you look just like him. Have you considered wearing glasses when not in costume?

APE

Get the grat out of here!

NARR

The choice is clear. Associate Professor Quintus approved a ridiculous spending measure the taxpayers can’t afford to increase dean salaries from insane to asinine. Associate Professor Quintus approved a measure to force all graduate students to join the student union and banned smoking on campus. And Associate Professor Quintus took the lead in reducing graduate student salaries, reducing their gruel allotments and assigning even more students to them so that proper professors can take more vacations to Zangarmarsh. When it comes to pure evil, hope and change lie with Associate Professor Quintus.

QUINT

I am Associate Professor Quintus, I am running for dean of the Evil Alchemist University, and I approve this message.

NARR

Paid for by friends of Associate Professor Quintus and the Association to Keep Fear, Repression & Evil on College Campuses.

Fade Out.

Enter, bar scene.

REPORTER

The results are in, and Associate Professor Quintus has been elected dean by his peers!

QUINT

I want to thank you all for your support. It was a tough fight. I want to thank my opponent for running a clean campaign, but the proponents of hope and change have spoken. I will lead this university with dignity, pride and pure, pure evil.

Camera pans to APE, clinching his drink. Close up on his face.

APE

One day, Quintus. One day.…

About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.