Script - Orcs in SPACE! At the Beach

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DINK

DR. strange Orc, why are we still floating in space?

DR.

I dunno DINK. I’m not even sure how we got here in the first place.

DINK

Are we here because someone finds it therapeutic to write really stupid scripts and is using us as a way to achieve his vision?

DR.

No, that cant be it.

DINK

Yeah, that can’t be it.

DINK

Hey, do you hear that noise?

DR.

What noise?

DINK

That noise. Shh, listen for a moment.

They listen and hear wind.

DR.

It sounds like wind.

DINK

Oh, that makes sense. Having background ambiance really sells audio design, especially if there is no video to accompany your story.

DR.

But wait, aren’t we in space? There’s no wind in space.

DINK

Oh yeah. Plus, sound can’t travel through the vacuum of space, so if there was wind in space, we wouldn’t be able to hear it.

DR.

Boy, this is a problem.

DINK

I know! Let’s tell the wind to go away.

DR.

Good idea! Hey wind, go away!

DINK

Yeah, go away wind! You’re insulting people’s intelligence.

DR.

I think it worked.

DINK

Yup! That was a great idea.

DR.

Really great.

DINK

Great.

DR.

Really great.

DR.

So what now?

DINK

You know, I’ve always wanted to go to the beach.

DR.

Ah, the beach! Let’s go to the beach.

DR.

Um, wait, we’re stuck here in space.

DINK

Oh yeah. I know! You know how all matter has a gravitational pull, right?

DR.

Yeah…

DINK

Well, we’re made of matter. That means we have a gravitational pull. Let’s just wait until our gravitational pull brings us close to a planet. Then we can hop onto it and go to the beach.

DR.

Ah, great idea!

DINK

Truly great.

DR.

Great.

DINK

Great.

DINK

Are we there yet?

DR.

No, not yet. Wait, I think I see a flaw in our plan.

DINK

Yeah?

DR.

Won’t waiting for our gravitational pulls to bring us close to a planet take millions of years?

DINK

Oh yeah. Hmm. Well, I suppose we could just fast-forward until we get there.

DR.

Yeah that could work. Let’s talk about something intelligent and brilliant until we get there.

Fast-forward.

DINK

And that’s why Bill Mahr is the worst comedian ever.

DR.

Wow, that was a very intelligent conversation. And it’s probably the last one we’ll ever have too.

DINK

I’m glad we didn’t miss it!

DINK

Oh look, a planet!

DR.

It worked! Now, let’s jump down onto the planet and go to the beach. Ready?

DINK

Ready!

BOTH

Weee!

DR.

Wow, falling is fun!

DINK

Yeah, lots of fun. Wait, do you hear that?

DR.

What?

DINK

Listen.

They listen.

DR.

I don’t hear anything.

DINK

Exactly. We’re falling through a thick atmosphere right now. Shouldn’t we hear, like, wind or something.

DR.

Oh yeah. Plus, our space suits would be getting really hot from all the friction too, and would probably burn us to death.

DINK

Yeah but let’s ignore that one for now.

DR.

Ok. Here wind! Come back wind, we miss you!

Wind arrives.

DINK

There it is!

DR.

Yay! Now we are convincingly falling.

BOTH

Weeeee!

They thud to the ground.

DINK

Oh look, the beach!

DR.

Hooray! The beach! It’s as beautiful as I imagined.

DINK

Well, what should we do now?

DR.

Maybe we should retire.

DINK

What, you mean, have no more adventures in space?

DR.

Yeah.

DINK

So this little skit is the last Orcs in SPACE! ever?

DR.

Yeah, why not?

DINK

Ok, sounds good.

DR.

Ok. Well, good night!

DINK

Good night!

They snore.

NARRATOR

And thus, Orcs in SPACE! comes to an end. Or dœs it? find out next time on Orcs, In SPACE!



About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.