Script - Ox Chop

OX

Are you sure this is the right place?

APE

Yes I’m sure. They said this guy was dying to meet with strangers, I think he’ll be an easy sell.

OX

Well, where is he?

Enter horseman with a laugh.

APE

Well at least he’s in a good mood.

OX

Hello sir, do you have a moment? I’d like to talk with you about Oxhorn Brand Knives.

HH

Time is short!

APE

That’s ok, we won’t take long. Have you ever had trouble cutting your tomatœs? Then try our new Ox Chop, made from genuine, 100% organic metal! Here, I’ve got a song that explains the whole thing; (drop a beat for me Ox)…

OX

(Beatboxes.)

APE

Hi it’s Mister Evil from ox chop,

You don’t need to grate food all day,

You just Ox your troubles away with Ox Chop

Just Ox your troubles away with Ox Chop.

HH

You’ve tried and failed!

OX

Oh come on man, look, we’re only here because of financial troubles… you know how the economy is right now… just do us a solid and buy one knife from us, ok?

HH

So eager you are.

APE

Yeah well, being evil dœsn’t put food on the table. Being a salesman dœs. Wait those two are the same…

HH

fire consumes,

You’ve tried and failed!

Let there be no doubt,

Justice prevailed.

OX

Is that a pœm? It’s not working.

APE

fire consumes,

you’ve tried and failed,

let there be no doubt,

justice prevailed.

You’re right, that dœsn’t even scan.

OX

Is he trying to do a haiku?

APE

No a haiku has 17 syllables, in three phrases. So it could sound like… uh…

fire consumes… baby…

you’ve tried and failed… my good man,

let there be no doubt…

Wow that dœsn’t work at all.

HH

Hearken cur!

OX

Hearkening.

HH

Here’s my body!

OX

…woah

HH

Here’s my body!

APE

Oh.. ah, well I’m flattered but, no thanks I, uh, usually date people who have heads—

HH

Let my curse be your own!

APE

What?

OX

I think he wants to give us a venereal disease!

HH

I shall send you myself,

Let my curse be your own.

Now feel the burn!

OX

Ok, we have to be going now — run!

Scene switches to them running away down the hallway.

OX

Run! Keep running!

APE

Get the grat out of here!

Scene switches back to HH.

HH

Get over here you idiot!

Scene switches to them exiting the room. Then back to HH.

HH

This end have I reached before.

About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.