Script — Oxhorn’s Christmas Special

Scene 01 – A.P.E. Intro

Scene opens with Associate Professor Evil sitting in a chair with a book in his hands. A crackling fireplace is going on in the background and a gaggle of children are sitting on a rug at his feet. Stockings are above the fireplace and perhaps there is frosted snow on the outside of the windows. The crackling fireplace casts flickering shadows and the room feels comfy and warm.

Associate Professor Evil

In a warm, soothing voice

Gather around children, for today is the eve before Winter’s Veil, and I have a story for you.

Child 01

Oh, whassit about Fosser Evil, whassit about?

A.P.E.

Annoyed

We’ll the sooner you shut up the sooner you’ll find out, wont you?

Child 02

*boy*

Is it about knights and dragons, spells and cannons?

A.P.E.

Er, no, it’s—

Child 03

*girl*

Does it have unicorns and fairies and little tasty gumdrops?

A.P.E.

What? No, it’s—

Child 04

Is it about a hill-​billy who won’t pay his child support and gets beat up by his ex-wife’s boyfriend’s parole officer at an AA meeting?

A.P.E.

…Good grief, what do you kids watch these days…No, just shut your adorable yappers and listen. It’s about—

Child 04

Oh! I know, it’s a fairy story about how global warming is going to ruin the planet, and how—

A.P.E.

Look you little creeps, if you don’t put a cork in it I’ll either feed you to Barnaby or use you as fertilizer for my garden. And you wouldn’t want that now would ya? WOULD YA?!

Silence.

A.P.E.

Ok. That’s better. So now, where was I? Ah yes, this is a story about three badly dressed hordies who are trying to get to a Christmas party. So sit still and enjoy it. Or else.

A.P.E. clears his throat. He begins to speak in his narrator voice — think of “Twas the Night Before Christmas”

Twas the morning of Christmas

And out in the Barrens,

Three Horides were marching,

On a holiday errand

As A.P.E. speaks, the scene cross-​fades to Scene 02 .

Scene 02

Oxhorn, Staghorn and Mortuus are walking through The Barrens, on their way towards the portal.

Staghorn

Be ye sure that this Christmas party doth be held-​eth at Shattrah?

Oxhorn

Yes, that’s what the flyer said.

Staghorn

And be ye sure that they doth be having pecan pie?

Oxhorn

Well yeah, I mean, it’s a Christmas party, and what kind of Christmas party would be complete without pecan pie?

Staghorn

Euphorically.

As he speaks, visions of pecan pie float through thought bubbles above his head, with whipped cream

Ah, pecan pie, with its sweet nuttiness that dost bring-​eth me happiness, piled high with cream of the whipped persuasion, so light and fluffy, and served on a plate warmed over a fire… Ah! I must have pecan pie! How far away are we?

The three stop walking and face each other.

Oxhorn

We have quite a ways to go yet. I mean, we’re in The Barrens still.

Staghorn

Yarg! This dost be too much to bear! I must have my pecan pie. Which way lieth Shattrah?

Mortuus faces east and points.

Mortuus

That way n00b.

Staghorn

Is there any way we could go faster?

Mortuus

Not unless u gots a kodo in ur pocket d00dz, roffle-​waffle, pwnt!

Staghorn

Bah, well then, there’s nothing for it. I must hav-​eth my pecan pie. We’ll have to tame something and use it as a mount.

Oxhorn

Like what?

Staghorn

He looks around The Barrens until he spies a tallstrider.

Like… um…. that one.

Mortuus

Lol d00dz, u can’t get to Shattah on a bloitting tallstrider! Stupid n00bcakes.

Oxhorn

Got any better ideas you blit?

Mortuus

Psh, I’ll find my own way n00bs. I’m ubar ubar l33t!

Mortuus begins to walk south.

Oxhorn

Where are you going? You’ll miss the party!

Staghorn

Oh well, let him go, more pie for me.

Oxhorn and Staghorn face the tallstrider. Camera is behind them as they look at the tallstrider.

Oxhorn

Now, to tame a tallstrider. This will take all our courage, all our wit, and a lot of luck.

Slight pause. Camera is behind Ox and Stag who are looking at the tallstrider. Ox turns to Stag.

Oxhorn

Scared?

Staghorn turns to Ox.

Staghorn

A little. What if we die?

Oxhorn

Well then, before we do this, you need to ask yourself one question: is pecan pie worth it?

Slight pause. Staghorn turns back towards the tallstrider.

Staghorn

Oh yes. Totally worth it.

Scene 03

Oxhorn is hiding behind a bush, facing the camera. There is a lot of commotion going on, and you hear Staghorn screaming. You hear lots of metallic –thuds- and –thunks-, and Oxhorn winces. You can tell that the action is taking place in front of Oxhorn, behind the camera. Finally you hear a –thud!- and then Staghorn screams. He lands next to Oxhorn, behind the bush. Oxhorn faces Staghorn. Staghorn groans.

Oxhorn

How did it go?

Staghorn grunts and stands up. His armor is all dinted and the paint is peeling. Can we do that? That would rule.

Staghorn

I think I figured out his weakness.

Oxhorn

Oh?

Staghorn

He faces the camera/​tallstrider.

If you touch his tail, he gets really mad.

Oxhorn

Slight pause.

How is that a weakness?

Another pause. Staghorn does his Stand/​Scratching emote.

Oxhorn

Those arguments aside…

Oxhorn faces the camera

It’s my turn.

Camera switches to a side view of Ox and Stag kneeling behind the bush.

Oxhorn

I’ll turn into a cat, sneak up on him, and pounce on him from behind. Then I’ll turn into a bear and beat him silly. That should tame him.

Staghorn

Good luck. And God speed.

Oxhorn

Thanks. Oh, and Stag, if I don’t survive…

Staghorn

Yeah?

Oxhorn

Tell Hat that I’ve always hated his singing.

Staghorn

I promise. I won’t forget.

Oxhorn

Good man. Good man.

Ox changes into a cat and leaves. Camera switches to the tallstrider who is fidgeting, pecking at its feathers, and looking bored. Oxhorn is in his cat form and creeps up behind him. Suddenly he attacks and the tallstrider is surprised. Ox quickly changes into a bear and begins to bat at the tallstrider with his paw. The tallstrider begins to attack back and Ox cries out in pain. Camera switches to Staghorn.

Staghorn

Hit-​eth him in the wing! Tickle his nose! That’s it!

You hear a crunch and Oxhorn screams like a girl.

Oh. That’s no good.

Camera switches to Ox. Oxhorn is running around in his bear form and the tallstrider is standing on top of him.

Oxhorn

Get it off! Get it off!

Camera switches to Staghorn.

Staghorn

I’m coming!

Staghorn unsheathes his big green sword and leaps out of the bushes. He runs to Ox’s aid and begins to –thwap– at the tallstrider with his sword, but the tallstrider just stands on top of Ox and clucks in a bored way.

Just then there is a screech from the skies and the camera quickly pans upwards. Mortuus arrives, riding a dragon, and the dragon attacks the tallstrider. The dragon grabs the tallstrider and rips it in two, and then lands on the ground next to Oxhorn and Staghorn. Oxhorn shifts back into his normal form.

Oxhorn

Mort! Where in Azeroth did you get that?

Mortuus

From Dustwallow Marsh n00b, pwnt!

Staghorn

How did you tame it?!

Mortuus

I told u doodz. I’m ubar ubar l33t. And I brought you each one too.

Two dragons then touch ground and land on either side of Mortuus. The camera switches to Oxhorn and Stag.

Staghorn

Pecan pie, here I come!

Camera switches to Ox, Stag and Mort riding atop dragons, flying east into the sunrise on the way to the Black Portal. Loud dragon calls sound as they fly by.

Scene 04

Scene opens with blackness and a sound of three people dismounting. Then color appears and you see a close up of the three dragons flying off, screeching into the sky. Camera switches to Ox, Stag and Mort who are standing by the Dark Portal.

Ox

Bye Crusher, bye Butcher, bye Gusher, thanks for the lift!

Stag

Fare thee well and eat many humans.

The three turn and face the portal.

Ox

*Whistles* So this is the Dark Portal. Looks somewhat ominous.

Staghorn

Ominous my tail! Beyond this portal lies the city Shattrath, where there dost be raging a wondrous Christmas party, and where I can find me a pecan pie!

Oxhorn

Very true! So then, let us charge into this ominous portal and brave whatever terrors might befall us!

Stag and Ox face the portal and run into it shouting “ra-​ra-​ra-​ra-​ra!”. But they cannot go forward.

Staghorn

What the…

Oxhorn

Is this thing broken?

Mort

Lol n00bs, do u have BC installed?

Ox

The Burning Crusade expansion? No, I haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Staghorn

Me neither, I’m too busy role-​playing with my fellow members of Reluctance. I’m a level 33 protector of the brown squirrels.

Mortuus

Roffle-​wtf? D00dz u can’t go to Shattrath unless you have the expansion installed, XD.

Staghorn

What? Dost thou mean-​eth that I can nay eat-​eth me pecan pie?

Ox

Looks that way.

Stag

Camera pans above Stag and zooms out as Stag looks skyward and screams “Nooooooo!”

Stag turns and runs toward the portal, hacking away at it with his sword.

Stag

Let me in ! I want-​eth me pecan pie!

Mort

OMG u d00dz r worthless, ftl! I’ll get ur pecan pie n00b. BBL.

Mort runs into the portal. Ox and Stag face it.

Ox

Well I guess we’ll have to wait for him.

There is a pause before Ox turns to Stag.

Ox

Hey, where’s your Santa’s hat? It’s Christmas. Take off that helmet.

Stag turns to Ox.

Stag

What helmet?

Ox

Um… that green one you’re wearing.

Stag

I’m not wearing a helmet. This is my face.

Ox

No, I mean the helmet that is covering your face.

Stag

Yeah, I’m not wearing a helmet. This is my face.

Pause.

Ox

What are you, Strong Bad?

Stag

*quickly*

What?

Ox

Nevermind.

Black: one hour later

Oxhorn

Look, I’m not arguing that the Maelstrom doesn’t exist, I’m just saying that I don’t think there is any evidence that it is caused by man.

Stag

What, are you blind? It is a scientific fact that the Maelstrom is caused by kodo emissions. People need to love mother Azeroth and ride kodos with better grass mileage.

Oxhorn

Don’t turn into a hippy elf on me Stag.

Black: Another hour later.

Ox and Stag are back to back. Ox starts singing.

Ox

I would fly you to the moon and back if you’d be,

Stag

Be…

Ox

–if you’d be my baby. Got a ticket to a world where we both belong. So will you be my baby yeah!

Stag

Oh, oh, oh…

Ox

Yeah..

Stag

Oh…

Black: 53 minutes, 17 seconds and an entire Savage Garden album later.

Ox and Stag are sitting facing the camera with the portal behind them.

Stag

I’m so hungry, I could eat an entire gnome.

Ox

But you’re a vegetarian.

Stag

No, you’re a vegetarian.

Ox

No, you’re a vegetarian.

Stag

Look, don’t call me a vegetarian, I’m serious.

Just then Mort appears at the portal behind them. He has a pie in his hands.

Mort

I’m back n00bz.

Ox and Stag

Yay!

Camera switches to a side shot. Ox and Stag approach him.

Stag

Did you bring the pie?

Mort

Yep. I had to wrestle it out of the hands of a few elderly grandmas, but got the pie.

Staghorn yells ahah! and unsheathes his sword.

Staghorn

Ah! Gimmie!

Staghorn inhales the pie out of Mort’s hands.

Ox

Hey! What about the rest of us?

Mort

Yeah I risked my neck fighting off grandmas for it d00d.

Stag

Hehehe, ah, that was tasty. My belly thanks you both!

Annoyed pause.

Ox

Aren’t you supposed be role-​playing…

Stag

Er, ah, yes, me stomach… cavity doth be thanking ye both—

Ox

Just shut up Stag. Well let’s head home. Thunk has a big turkey dinner planned and I don’t want to miss it. So… Mort, which way is home.

Mort points forward.

That way d00dz.

Ox and Stag face the camera. Camera flashes backwards to reveal some daemons. Then again to reveal more daemons. Then again to reveal even more daemons.

Stag

Oh. Um… guess we should have kept those dragons around.

Mort

Lol u n00bz are dead, roffle-​waffle omg!

Mort stealths and walks off.

Ox

Stag may be dead but I’m not. Good luck Stag! Hope you enjoyed the pie!

Ox turns into a cat and stealths off.

Stag

Wait! Guys? You can’t leave me here! I’m level 33!

Camera pans out to reveal many daemons again.

Stag

Ugh, bloit.

Scene switch: Scene 05

Scene 05 – Associate Professor Evil Finishes the Story

A.P.E.

And so our heroes saved the day

And Staghorn got his pecan pie.

They went to eat at Thunk’s party

Except for Staghorn, who did die.

The end.

A.P.E. closes the book.

A.P.E.

Well you ugly little flesh-​bags, did you like the story or not?

Child 01

It was all right… though I thought the dialogue was a little weak.

Child 02

Yes, I laughed a lot, but I just don’t like that you used model viewer instead of the real game.

Child 03

And I’m sick and tired of you making fun of elves. That’s really unnecessary.

A.P.E.

That’s it! You cretins obviously have no appreciation for fine story telling. Quintus!

Quintus walks on from off-​stage.

A.P.E.

Quintus, take these little nuisances into the dungeon and… give them what they deserve.

Quintus

Yes master.

Quintus approaches the children. They huddle together and whimper and Quintus’ shadow makes the screen grow dark.

The screen fades back in. Quintus, Barnaby and A.P.E. are sitting at a table eating a lot of meat.

A.P.E.

Mmm, this is delicious Quintus. I must compliment you on your cooking.

Quintus

Thank you, master.

A.P.E.

Mmm, what do you think Barnaby? Isn’t this delicious?

Barnaby

Gargle!

A.P.E.

Yes, I thought so too. And what do you children think?

Camera pans to the end of the table, where the children all sit, stuffing their faces with food.

Child 01

Top-​notch!

Child 02

Very tasty!

Child 03

Please sir, may I have some more?

A.P.E.

Angrily

No! No more for you! In fact, I think it’s about time we told you our true purpose for bringing you down here.

The children stop eating and look at A.P.E.

You see, we merely fed you so that we could fatten you up. You, my dearies, are indeed the main course.

The children gasp and drop their utensils. Camera pans out and shows the whole table. Quintus and A.P.E. are looking at the children hungrily and the kids are silent in horror. Then Quintus and A.P.E. burst into laughter and mock them.

A.P.E.

Bwahahaha, did you see the look on their faces? They thought we were totally serious!

Quintus

Yes master, good one master.

A.P.E.

Heh, stupid kids. Merry Christmas.

Children

Sullenly and in unison.

Merry Christmas, sir.

Fade Out.

FIN

About

is best known as his alter-ego Oxhorn, author of popular machinima movies. When he's not wearing suspenders with a certain sort of finesse, he's reading, writing, blogging, doing web design, making movies and more often than not enjoying a classy drink with an even classier cigar. Watch his movies at oxhorn.com and feel free to stalk him on Twitter and Facebook.

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One comment on “Script — Oxhorn’s Christmas Special
  1. Varenda ex MADORAN says:

    Love it,made me smile.

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