Script – Rudolph

Welcome children, it is time for a reading of the Christmas classic; Rudolph the Reindeer. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose. His mom told him that he had rosacea, so he went to the doctor. After being prescribed an ointment that gave him an allergic reaction, subsequently suing the doctor for malpractice and settling out of court, he concluded that his nose was, instead, a miracle. His classmates, however, were jealous of his shiny nose, and as is the want of immature adolescents, they tortured him with a tuning fork. One night, after a particularly nasty torturing, Rudolph walked off into the cold snowy forest, feeling ashamed and lonely. He cried at the moon, angry at his pathetic lot, and his nose shone particularly bright.

Suddenly he heard a cry above him. A shadow passed overhead and Rudolf cowered down, shaking all over and covering his eyes. When at last he opened them, he saw before him a red sleigh, and a giant, grey-bearded Orc smiling at him.

“Zug-zug-zug!” said the grey-bearded orc, “What an amazing nose you have!”

Rudolph’s eyes shone bright. “It’s Great Father Winter!” he exclaimed, and he trotted over to the sleigh.

“It sure is,” said Great Father Winter, “and I saw your nose from miles away. Tell me, would you like to guide my sleigh tonight?”

“Oh would I!” exclaimed Rudolph, but before Great Father Winter could hitch him up, a lawyer stumbled out of the bushes. Because, as we all know, lawyers like to hang out in bushes with the other hyenas.

“One moment!” said the lawyer, “what do you think you’re doing?” Great Father Winter frowned.

“I’m giving this poor, lonely reindeer a job,” he said. “He will lead my team!”

“I’m afraid I can’t allow that,” said the lawyer. “This reindeer is only three years old, and therefore a minor who falls under child labor laws. If you hire him, I will sue you for child slavery!”

“No, I want this job!” said Rudolph earnestly, and the lawyer squinted his eyes.

“Well its not as simple as all that,” he said. “We have rules for this sort of thing. First, you must have parental permission. Second, the child can only work for three hours at a time, with an hour long break, and for a maximum of six hours any given day. Third, as this is a hazardous occupation working in poor weather conditions, Great Father Winter must pay monthly liability insurance in case the child gets injured. Lastly, since he is working among adult co-workers such as the other reindeer, all employees must go to youth sensitivity training, where they will be taught what constitutes harassment, what things they can and cannot say, and where the child will be taught that all he has to do is feel intimidated in order to sue his employer and never have to work again.”

Great Father Winter frowned and furrowed his brow.

“Those are an awful lot of rules,” he said. “I’m beginning to think it isn’t worth the trouble.”

“Oh please Father Winter,” said Rudolph. “You don’t even have to pay me, I just want to find my place in life!”

“Sorry son, you aren’t worth the bother. Have a good life!”

And with a hearty “zug-zug-zug” Father Winter flew off into the night sky, leaving Rudolph crying in the snow.

“Finally, he’s gone,” said the lawyer. He pulled out a rifle and cocked it.

“W-what are you doing?”

“Huh, haven’t you ever heard of reindeer sausages?”

And so the lawyer went home to his pack, having successfully scavenged a meal. And he lived happily ever after. The end.


is best known as his alter-ego Oxhorn, author of popular machinima movies. When he's not wearing suspenders with a certain sort of finesse, he's reading, writing, blogging, doing web design, making movies and more often than not enjoying a classy drink with an even classier cigar. Watch his movies at and feel free to stalk him on Twitter and Facebook.

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