Script – Stag Gets a Pat Down

Staghorn Gets a Pat Down

Staghorn is in line at the flight master. He looks at his ticket—one way to whatever. He finally gets up to the metal detector. He walks through and it goes off.


Mmm, look at you with all that armor on. You’d better take it off if you want to get through the metal detector.


But I hast’nt bathed in a fortnight. I dost smell like a healthy Tauren.


That’s ok, I don’t mind, really. Take it off.

STAG takes off his armor, shooting nervous glances at the onlooking crowd. He then steps in front of the x-ray machine with just his helmet on. It shows a pecan pie in his belly.


Now I know I told you to take your armor off. That includes the helmet, silly.


I’m not wearing a helmet.


Well then what’s that om your head?


This isn’t a helmet. This dost be mine face!


Mmm, looks like someone’s being difficult. You know what that means? Time for… a pat-down!

All the elf flight screeners nearby say “Pat down? Pat down! Ooo a pat down!” and crowd around STAG, munching on popcorn as the ELF fits on a rubber glove.


Uhhh… dost thou be sure that this is really necessary?


Don’t be silly, silly, it’s all part of our standard procedure.


Well… ok, but if thou touchest mine junk, prepareth for a smack-down.


Oh, I’m prepared all right.

Close up of the ELF getting close to STAG’s junk. He shoots STAG a sly grin. There is a prodding sound effect that gives away what happens. STAG’s eyes bulge out of his helmet.


Thou filthy perv!

STAG punches ELF in the face. A nice slow-motion shot of the ELF being totally smashed up with blood everywhere. As he collapses to the ground, the nearby police officers pounce on STAG.



Fade out.


Fade in. Stag is behind bars.


Ohh, my belly dost be hungry for pecan pie. What did I do wrong? They canst hold me in here forever, just for defending-eth my virtue.

Suddenly there is a sound effect, then an explosion behind him. The wall explodes inward, sending brick flying everywhere. When the dust settles, Lieutenant Colonel Virtue is hovering just outside.


Oh! Hey man.


Nice work back at the flight master, STAG. I find sanctioned molestation… so very annoying. And I…hate…being…ANNOYED! Come now. You deserve some pie.


Pecan pie, here I come!


is best known as his alter-ego Oxhorn, author of popular machinima movies. When he's not wearing suspenders with a certain sort of finesse, he's reading, writing, blogging, doing web design, making movies and more often than not enjoying a classy drink with an even classier cigar. Watch his movies at and feel free to stalk him on Twitter and Facebook.

Posted in Scripts & Lyrics
2 comments on “Script – Stag Gets a Pat Down
  1. avi says:

    I absolutely love it. It seems like nobody’s in support of the TSA these days :)

  2. Kitana Walker says:

    (I got confused on the website part. Lol) Anywho! I really love your videos on YouTube(even though their like five or six years away from the year we have today ROFLMAO) You haven’t inspired me on anything but I love your enthusiasm and special skill on acting out different characters. I do hope to see you in person. By the way I always wanted to see a picture or video of Mark Pfaff IRL(in real life). (Blushes) I kinda had a crush on him at the time because in the end or a video when you guys are practicing, I like his voice. But anywho. Keep up the good work and I hope you will make another awesome ROFLMAO video this year! ^^ (By the way, if you want to see some of my pictures I drew just let me know and I’ll send you a link to the online site I display them on. ^^)

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