Script: The Invisible Pink Unicorn

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SCENE 01 INT. ROOM

Scene opens to a room filled with 3 “engineers” and one “believer” in the IPU. Engineers are sitting in a semi-​circle, half surrounding the believer.

BELIEVER

Look, all I’m saying is that my belief in the IPU is honest. I cannot prove that the IPU exists for there is no proof. I am merely saying that my faith in the IPU is reasonable, logical and should be treated with respect.

The engineers laugh.

ENGINEER 1

How can we not be contemptuous? How can I refrain from calling you a fool? first you claim that there is a creature out there that created everything we know, but happens to conveniently be invisible, and then you go on to further qualify this invisible creature with the aspect of being pink. How can you claim that this invisible unicorn is pink when you have not seen it for yourself?

BEL

The Unicorn says he is pink. I don’t have to see his pinkness to believe it.

ENG1

And that is precisely why we call you a fool. It is foolishness to have faith in something that has not been proven to exist. Before I ever believe in the existence of this IPU, I will need some pretty convincing evidence.

The IPU gores ENG1 from behind. His horn comes out of ENG1’s stomach, and blood and fleshy pieces go spraying outwards. The IPU holds ENG1 in the air for a moment while ENG1 screams pitifully, shown from many different angles, before retracting his horn. ENG1’s body collapses on the ground.

SCENE 02

Camera switches to a wide shot. Everyone is silent for a moment. Then…

ENG2

I’m just not convinced. I mean, if he dœs exist, why hasn’t he contacted us? You would think that an all-​powerful creature would at least attempt to reach us.

BEL

But he has contacted us, in this book:

BEL holds up a pink book named “Cooking a Ham and Pineapple Pizza: The IPU’s Secret Recipe (as well as life instructions for the entire human race)”.

This book is all about IPU reaching out to mankind. You guys just don’t bother to read it, that’s all.

ENG2

*exasperated*

You can’t be serious! It is a well known fact that that book was written by other men. You can’t expect us to believe that the book is really the IPU’s message to mankind.

BEL

Of course I can. The IPU has hooves, not hands. He can’t hold a pen. Wouldn’t you get someone to write down your words if you couldn’t hold a pen?

ENGs laugh.

ENG2

Rubbish! Poppycock! I’ll never believe that that cookbook was inspired by the IPU unless the IPU comes down himself and gives me a bloody good reason.

The IPU gores ENG2, in much the same way he gored ENG1.

SCENE 03

ENG3

What I find most audacious and therefore unforgivable about your faith in the IPU is that you claim that this IPU created the universe and everything in it, when we have concrete evidence that the world came about on its own.

BEL

You engineers have a theory about how this world grew and how life grew on it, but you have no explanation for how life began in the beginning. This book dœs.

ENG3

Oh we have an explanation.

BEL

Yeah? What is it?

ENG3

Ah, now the ball is in my court. Let me explain to you how the world came to be.

Scene fades into a visual description of everything ENG3 relays.

In the beginning there was a giant crystal floating through space. On its back were the first bits of life. The crystal just so happened to collide with our Azeroth as it was forming, transferring those life particles to Azeroth, where they evolved over time to become trees, kodos, and even you and me.

BEL

Wait a minute, you’re not addressing the issue.

ENG3

Yes I am!

BEL

No you’re not. You’re simply shifting life from Azeroth to a giant floating space crystal. The issue is how life came about to begin with. You’re saying that life came to Azeroth via crystals, but you haven’t explained how life first got on those crystals.

ENG3

Oh. Well, space aliens put them there.

BEL

What?!

ENG3

No, seriously. Aliens from another galaxy seeded life onto those crystals to keep life safe while Azeroth was forming, and then sent them to Azeroth when the Azeroth was ready.

Long pause.

BEL

Have I gone barking mad or has the obvious completely escaped you?!

ENG3

I vote for mad.

BEL

Your whole reason for not believing in the IPU was that the IPU is invisible, has never contacted man, and that his existence cannot be proven. And yet you turn right around and tell me that you believe in aliens that you have never seen, that have never contacted us and whose existence cannot be proven?

ENG3

…yeah, uh-​huh.

Pause.

BEL

So where did the aliens come from?

ENG3

Probably from other aliens.

BEL

Ah, I see, so we’re stuck in an infinite loop then.

ENG3

Yeah.

BEL

That’s just not logical.

ENG3

Well at least I don’t believe in an IPU that writes cookbooks about ham and pineapple pizza.

Pause. Camera stays on ENG3 for a moment. Then it switches back to BEL. Then back to ENG3. Then back to BEL. Then back to ENG3. Then the IPU gores ENG3 in much the same way he gored the others.

The IPU appears before BEL.

IPU

Charlie! Charlie!

BEL

Yeah?

IPU

Wanna get some ham and pineapple pizza?

BEL

Sure. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

IPU snorts and glares at BEL for a moment.

BEL

Oh, but um… never a unicorn, of course.

The two walk off into the distance while they chat idly.

BEL

I thought unicorns were vegetarians?

IPU

Nah, that’s just something the hippies believe so they can have pineapple and mushroom pizza instead. I can’t stand mushrooms, personally. Its a type of fungus, did you know that?

BEL

No, really? I had no idea.

About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.