Script - Thunk Leaves Home

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Thunk Leaves Home

by Brandon M. Dennis

NARRATOR

There was once an ogre named THUNK. THUNK grew up in a place called Dire Maul, but he wasn’t popular with the other ogres. When they were off killing humans, THUNK was eating turkey. When they were off killing more humans, THUNK was writing pœtry:

THUNK

Me saw a little birdie

That had a pretty head.

Me came up fast and sat on him

And now that bird is dead.

NARRATOR

And eating more turkey.

Rejected by his ogre brethren, THUNK one day took up all his belongings and went out into the great wide world to seek his fortune.

The nights were long, hard and grueling. When it wasn’t raining, it was hailing. When it wasn’t hailing, it was raining. And when it wasn’t raining or hailing, it was doing… something else.

One night, as THUNK lay down by his fire, he was approached by a stranger in the dark.

THUNK hears a snap and some rustling. He turns his head.

THUNK

Wh-who’se there?

A figure looms in the darkness. Suddenly it bursts from the shrubs. It is an ELF.

THUNK screams like a girl and backs up. Or maybe says something about it being horrible.

ELF

Please… I’ve wandered the wastelands for days… can you spare any food? I…I feel faint!

THUNK

Oh…well me only have ‘nuff food for—

THUNK sees the ELF collapse and he runs to his side.

NARRATOR

Despite THUNK’s meager resources, he nursed the ailing ELF back to health (do princess bride reference with the dunking the heads in barrels). He caught wild turkey, boar and lamb, pulled them to pieces and boiled them together in the same pot. The broth was savory and strengthening, and after many days the ELF regained consciousness.

ELF

I don’t even know you, and yet you saved my life. Can I… call you… friend?

THUNK

Sure! Oh, me so happy! Me finally found friend. Here, eat this.

THUNK hands the ELF a cup of animal soup.

ELF

Mmm. Wait… what is this?

THUNK

Me call it “intestine medley”. It very tasty!

ELF

Wha… you mean you’ve been feeding me MEAT this whole time?

THUNK

Oh yes, me only give friends the best!

ELF

But I’ve lived my entire life until now without ever devouring the flesh of a living creature! Eating an animal is violent and I hate violence! I’ll kill you!

At that the ELF lunges at THUNK but bounces off THUNK’s belly and gets rocketed into the distance.

NARRATOR

THUNK was very sad to see his only friend go. He was as sad as a confused treasure hunter who answered an ad on Craigslist titled, “Come find the end to my rainbow”. But THUNK was filled with ambition, and he refused to remain sad for long. He decided to carve out a living for himself by opening a soup kitchen. He traveled to Orgrimmar, where he heard that they gave out free money to underprivileged monsters.

THUNK

Hi! Me want to open soup shop.

ORC

Ah, well you have come to the right place! You see, we Orcs have spent our lives killing monsters for epic loot and XP, and we feel bad. We admit it, we were bigots, and we are very sorry. In order to make amends, we are giving away free money to all monsters!

THUNK

Yay! Free money!

ORC

So what monster are you?

THUNK

Me THUNK. Me ogre.

Scene switches to a close up of the ORC’s list of approved monsters. As he speaks, his finger gœs down the list.

ORC

Ogre… ogre… *sheeeik* nope, sorry, you aren’t classified as a monster. No free money for you.

THUNK

But… me have horn… on head.

ORC

Yeah, but you’re bipedal, see, which is just too… conventional. Based on your body type, I’m afraid you’re disqualified. And we can’t give free money to someone who dœsn’t qualify. We don’t want to look like bigots! Now move along ogre, you’re blocking the street.

NARRATOR

Poor THUNK was hurt and confused. Like all ogres, THUNK had a hard time controlling his temper, and he responded the only way he knew how: he released a floater in Orgrimmar’s fishing hole. He was banned from the city and told never to return.

He made his way south, to the goblin city of Gadgetzan, in search of a good job. When he arrived he just stood and stared, amazed at all the moving gears and flying contraptions.

GNOME

Woah! Hey there big fellah! What are you doing in these parts?

THUNK

Me THUNK. Me look for work.

GNOME

Ah, lookin’ for a job eh? I might be able to help you out. I am a gnomish engineer, and I’m world famous for my ssssspllllendid machines. I’m the one who made the diversity robots.

Camera quickly pans to two robots sitting in a corner.

ROBOT 1

Diversity!

ROBOT 2

Diversity!

This gœs on until a GOBLIN walks up.

GOBLIN

Will you two shut up?

There is a slight pause.

ROBOT 1

Racist!

ROBOT 2

Racist!

Both robots shout “Racist!” and chase the GOBLIN off-screen.

GNOME

Anyhow, my tools are too big and bulky for me to deal with. I need a strong brute like you to carry them for me. I’ll pay you five gold a day.

THUNK

Oh, thank the great Slug! Now THUNK never go hungry again.

GNOME

Uh… thank the slug?

THUNK

Oh yes, the Slug is Thunk’s greeeeeeeat ancestor.

flashback/​dream-​like sequence. The story THUNK tells is shown visually.

Before Ogres, there was great Slug. Slug ate slime and sludge until Slug got really fat. Then Slug oozed first Ogres out its pores. All Ogres descend from first Ogres, and so we give thanks to great Slug.

There is a pause while the Gnome digests this.

GNOME

Wow, I should have known that you would have been a bumbling simpleton. Its all about industry, progress and machines now! It’s obvious that your feeble mind hasn’t advanced beyond bashing things with sticks. Get out of here! Your superstitious reasoning will just hold me back. I have no use for you.

NARRATOR

Now any rational man would take such abuse and go his merry way. But THUNK was an ogre, and in truth, he did have a penchant for bashing things with sticks. Which is just what he did.

THUNK rampages through Gadgetzan bashing things with sticks.

THUNK was cast out of Gadgetzan, and he walked off into the Shimmering flats, alone.

The night grew cold, and THUNK was lonely. He was as lonely as…something… that, gets really lonely. Or whatever. After a while, THUNK spied what looked like a campfire in the distance. He was wary after his previous encounters, and approached the fire with as much stealth as his race possessed.

TROLL 1

So yesterday I bumped into an Elf in Shattrath who was polishing his own ears. He looked at me, said something obscene and then asked me where I got my ugly face. Know what I said to him?

TROLL 2

No, what?

TROLL 1

I said, “Your mom!”

All three TROLLS laugh hysterically.

TROLL 2

Ah, that was a good one. But let’s douse the flames now buddy, I need to get some sleep. I have a big date tomorrow.

TROLL 1

Oh? Who with?

TROLL 2

With your mom!

All three trolls burst out in hysterical laughter.

TROLL 3

Seriously though guys, I needs some advice. I just came from Durotar and I lost all my money. See, I met this lady in The Barrens and she spent it all.

TROLL 2

Oh? Who was she?

TROLL 3

Her name was Janet.

TROLL 2

Oh.

TROLL 3

Yeah. So then she ran off and I never saw her again. I hitched a ride with this other lady who brought me down here. Spent a week with her. Whew, she was a kick.

TROLL 1

Really? Who was she?

TROLL 3

Her name was Beatrice.

TROLL 1

Oh.

Troll 3

But she ran off and now I’m stuck here with nothing but the shirt on my back. My question is, should I be responsible and get a job to better myself, or should I move in with this floozy I know?

TROLL 2

Who’s the floozy?

TROLL 3

Sheees yer mom!

All three burst out I raucous laughter. THUNK then emerges from the bushes and immediately halts the laughter.

TROLL 1

Woah, what’s this? Looks like Orgrimmar lost one of their zeppelins.

THUNK

Me THUNK. Can THUNK sit by fire?

TROLL 1

Sure thing THUNK, plop your big butt down here with us.

TROLL 2

Want some food?

TROLL 2 offers him some meat.

THUNK

Oh, thanks!

TROLL 3

How bout some ale?

TROLL 3 hands him a flagon.

THUNK

Oh, THUNK happy!

TROLL 1

THUNK, huh. Funny name there, son. How’d you get it?

THUNK

Duh, mommy name THUNK for sound he make when he fell out mommy’s belly.

TROLL 1

…Yeah, that’s just frightening.

THUNK

Wanna know what’s even more frightening.

TROLL 1

What’s that?

THUNK

Your mom!

There is a slight pause, and then all three trolls burst out into laughter, saying, “Listen to this guy!” and “He’ll fit in just fine!” Camera zooms out to an overshot of the four guys around the campfire eating and talking while NARRATOR speaks:

NARRATOR

THUNK made friends with with the most accepting people he knew — vulgar trolls who picked on him every day. And for the first time in his life, he was happy.

fiN

CREDITS

About Oxhorn I’m an author, songwriter and movie-​maker who lives in Seattle, WA. I earned my BA in history from the University of Washington and have been interested in arguments, reasoning, research, writing and history ever since. I’m best known for my animated comedy machinima movies and music which you can find at oxhorn​.com. Visit brandonMdennis​.com for more about me, and be sure to subscribe, follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Watch my weekly live show, Scotch & Smoke Rings, at 7:00 PM Pacific for more classiness.